(Stolen from the desk of François Vichy, France's© Minister of Cultural Homogeneity)

From: François

Dearest Fellow French© Cabinet Ministers:

I realize that we here in France© have taken quite a beating in the last few days concerning the first stage of our bold and brave plan: namely, the banning of clear signs of religious affiliation in our public schools, and - soon - the private sector.

However, we must hold fast, both to our decisions and to our cover story regarding why we have done this. America and England (aghk! - spiTTTTTT!) still remain sadly blind concerning the effects of the hidden invasion - which, in our case, is no longer hidden.

France© is no longer what it once was, my friends. People lacking the basic decency to be Caucasian have flooded our fair shores. Our streets, shops and restaurants are filled with people who are not content to be either Proper French© Fish-on-Friday Catholics, or else quiet, humble and unseen religious minorities; They are instead filled with those who actually identify with something other than our correct brand of Christianity, and have the indecency to brazenly show it off, rather than be ashamed of their inferiority.

And this does hurt us, as we know too well. It used to be that tourists could come to France© and see nothing but French© people, eat nothing but French© food and be treated with proper, Gallic© contempt for doing so.

But now... oh, my friends, I cannot even contemplate what has happened without shaking with such rage that I am unable to dictate this letter to my secretary. It's bad enough that the noble Franc© has been replaced with rainbow-hued play-money. Must our noble race be replaced with a rainbow as well?

I say no! And, now, so does our brave government. But while banning obvious displays of religion from public places is a good start, it is only a start. We must do more to save our culture from the depravation at the hands of immigrants from former colonial holdings that we've already apologized to.

Therefore, as soon as France© has adjusted to the current ban, I propose the following provisions be also placed into law.

1) All citizens of France© must speak Proper French© at all times - even at home. Regional dialects are acceptable, but pidgins such as "Frenchish," and the travesty that is "Belgian," are not. Offenders will be fined a variable amount depending on how little French they actually speak, and be remanded to intensive Proper French© school, until such time as they are deemed able to communicate in Proper French©. This treatment will be done at state expense, as will the stripping of their citizenship and subsequent deportation should they ever be caught speaking anything other than Proper French© ever again.

2) All citizens of France© must wear an official, Proper French© beret while out in public, and have it be cocked at the Proper French© angle at all times. While at their desk or in their home, they must proudly display the beret somewhere near their person. The berets will be available in the following choice of colors: Red, White or Blue. These will be handed out to all citizens at state expense.

3) All citizens of France© who are male must immediately effect one of the following styles of facial hair: clean-shaven, pencil-thin mustache or goatees. A pencil-thin mustache may be worn by itself, but a goatee MUST be accompanied by a pencil-thin mustache. Beards, whiskers, mutton-chops, full mustaches and other unsightly aberrances are strictly forbidden. Offenders will be fined a variable amount, depending on how unsightly their self-grooming habits are, and be made to read a state-produced pamphlet on Proper French© Shaving Tips, to be published and handed out at state expense.

4) All citizens of France© who have skin colors darker than Proper French© pasty-white must take steps to lighten their tone. Proper French© pancake makeup will be made available to all who need it at state expense. The penalty for not applying makeup when and where needed will be plastic surgery, also done at state expense. However, anyone who leaves the operating table looking like Michael Jackson will be stripped of their citizenship, and subsequently deported, at their own expense.

Please note that NONE of the provisions listed above apply in any way towards tourists. It is imperative that they be allowed to wear what they will, speak as they wish and look as they do. Otherwise, France's© citizens will not know whom they may insult with complete impunity, France's© shop keepers will not know whom they may overcharge, our restaurants will not know with whom they may pad the bill with hidden gratuities, and our properly-licensed pickpockets will not know whom they may fleece without sanction.

As further riders to the above:

5) All citizens of France© must sign a statement to the effect that they agree with provisions 1 through 4, or else be barred from voting in all elections. Those who wish to reconsider their previous, foolish decision may relent, but they must attend state-run, Proper French© psychiatric therapy - at state expense, of course - until such time as they are deemed to be cured of their madness.

6) Effective immediately:

* all foreign-based fast-food restaurants will be closed down and replaced with Proper French© corner cafes

* all foreign-based "sit-down" restaurants will be required to change their menus to reflect the beauty of French cuisine, or else be shut down and replaced with Proper French© corner cafes.

* all Starbucks (aghk! - spiTTTTTT!) will be closed, razed, burned to the ground and exorcised by a state-licensed Priest prior to the erection of Proper French© corner cafes on the ruins.

* all former employees of these now-proscribed types of businesses will be required to attend state-run, Proper French© psychiatric therapy, until such time as they are deemed to be cured of their madness. This will, of course, be done at the expense of the state.

* all former managers, foreign representatives and regional leaders of these now-proscribed types of businesses will be soundly sodomized with a fresh-baked, Proper French© baguette, and then be loudly ejected from our beloved country with the bread still in position. And this will also, and gladly, be done at the expense of the state.

I feel that our beloved leader, Msr. Chirac, will most likely agree with these further and necessary steps to save our beloved France© from the horrors of so-called "World Culture" (aghk! - spiTTTTTT!). And if he does not, I still recommend that we hold these on the table as ideas to give to his inevitable replacements from the National Front.

Signed

François Vichy, Minister of Cultural Homogeneity

"Liberty, Equality, Fraternity, Conformity"